Episode 387 : Pehla nasha

It is 4 days and roughly 4 hours since I heard of your accident. The grief comes in waves. I thought the message I posted to the group would help, but it hasn't.

I hear your favourite song, the one you use as your caller tune. On any other day, I would have called it a song of innocence, of teenage naivete, and listened to it with a smile. Today, I cannot hear it without breaking down. Pehla nasha, my ass.

I do not recall the last time we exchanged a message over the phone, an email, or a phone call. Or even when I last met you. My memories are so hazy when it comes to you, that the latest I can recall is the time we spent at that camping ground near Imphal, and the annoyance on the way to Loktak lake. Thankfully I have one photograph from that trip that has you in it, otherwise, I probably wouldn't recall you in it too. But what happened after that? We didn't meet at all?

I knew you from before I met you, but you would have known it anyway. Your reputation as a wild child always preceded you. I recall conversations with you more than going on rides with you. Others post photographs of you with them on rides, and I have so few that it makes me jealous.

Do you know how difficult it is for us who are left behind to pick up and carry on? I am listening to your song in a loop and I find myself doing the same thing that I did over 3 years ago- breaking down every time the song restarts while typing these words and making corrections as I keep sobbing.

I should have flicked something from you when I had the chance. But my arms didn't cooperate and I only remember stumbling out of there unable to hold back my tears anymore. What I would have loved to flick, you had conveniently parked outside between two other cars.

Pehla nasha, my ass!