Episode 373 : Bitterness

Bloodshot eyes
Clenching jaws and gnashing teeth
Hands curling into fists
Tensing muscles
Slowly breaking out into cold sweat
The mind swaying wildly to beats
Hands and feet trembling
Thrashing, struggling


This is bitterness, accompanied by sharp intakes of breath and a constant drumming in your head every time past memories take hold and mentally slam you against a wall of anger and despair.

That taunting voice in your head, the monster under your bed that scared you when you were a child, that tree outside your window that swayed scarily and made faces at you as you tried to sleep. Bitterness is the nightmare that you wish to forget.

That quick decay of self-worth, the memories that constantly remind you of how someone decided you were incapable, useless, unfit.

A self-directed anger that sees no escape, and gets stronger with each attempt to suppress it.

Unlike regret, you are unable to find a way to make amends. It does not matter what you do to fix it- it is never enough. It is a fire that burns endlessly.

With bitterness, you are the victim and you are the perpetrator.

What you want, is an apology from the original perpetrator. You want them to regret their actions, to accept that they made a terrible mistake.

But that will never happen. So you rinse, and repeat.