Episode 376 : The greatest

Once I wanted to be the greatest
No wind or waterfall could stall me

I do not remember when or how it started. I just remember that I wanted to be the greatest. With great ambition comes great responsibility, a superhero once said. But I was too young to understand what I was asking for and what it would demand from me.

Every time reality did not match hopes and dreams, there was a temporary spell of gloom. And then life returned to dreaming and hoping that, with some luck, things would change one day and I would succeed at whatever I did, and with minimum effort.

That day never came.

Once I wanted to be the greatest
Two fists of solid rock
With brains that could explain any feeling

I dreamt of possessing a physique, and of being able to take on those who mocked my puniness and trample them to the ground. I must exercise, I told myself and made half-hearted attempts. I found that it was easier to convince myself to read a book, and I remained puny ever since.

I also dreamt of being so intelligent that I would be a walking encyclopaedia (Google was an unknown entity back then) and people would consult me for everything. But there were times when someone else would have the answer and I did not. Super-intelligence was only a few days away, I convinced myself and continued to read books.

Days turned into months, and then to years. Life taught me many lessons, some of which I refused to learn and had to repeat them several times.

But I grew wiser as I grew older and realised that luck is an illusion in my head and it doesn't exist in my life. Friends are what I have and I made many circles of friends, flitting in and out of them. I wanted to keep in touch with them, and expected them to want to do the same.

One particular lesson I never learnt well, was not to have expectations from people. The realisation that friends may not keep in touch was frequent and always painful. Sometimes we try, some times we don't and then life takes over. Each time I filed it under the category of 'Life's disappointments', I thought it was the last time. But there was always one more.

'Aren't there those who expect you to keep in touch, but you do not? the inner voice asked inconveniently. When I thought about it, I remembered my friends from college who I only keep in touch using WhatsApp and had not met them in over a decade. 'But there are others I keep in touch with', I tried telling myself unsuccessfully. 'All of them?' it asked

So, not super-intelligent, not superhuman, and not the greatest. The weight of my expectations will continue to be the proverbial millstone.

And then came the rush of the flood
The stars at night turned deep to dust