Episode 360 : The inevitability of death

I remember a scene from a television serial in the late 80s. Called "Space City Sigma", it was an Indianised version of "Star Trek". I remember being glued to the television when it used to be aired, though the original was much better.

A woman in the scene remarks that the sunset is beautiful yet scary, which is picked up by some people on board the spaceship. They dissect the thought and conclude that humans find sunsets beautiful because they have lived one more day, and scary because they are one day closer to death.

I suppose this remark triggered my first thoughts on death. Until a cousin aged 5 succumbed to illness-related complications, I had only heard of deaths happening to other people.

I love the feeling when we lift off
Watching the world so small below
I love the dreaming when I think of
The safety in the clouds out my window
I wonder what keeps us so high up
Could there be a love beneath these wings
If we suddenly fall should I scream out
Or keep very quiet and cling to my mouth as I’m crying

I, aged 10, wondered how it would be when I die of old age. In my head, I used to imagine being an old man probably aged 65 or so, and passing away like old people do. And every night, I believed I was one day closer to that dying age of 65. It did not matter that I had over 50 years left to reach that stage. It was as if the those 50 years would pass by before I knew it.

So frightened of dying
Relax, yes, I’m trying
But fear's got a hold on me

That phase lasted a few months.

Now, I am over 37 years old. In the meantime, grandparents died, pets died, and parents of friends died. And after a couple of close calls on the road, I have also come to accept that one does not have to live till 65 to die. For all I know, it could happen sooner too.

The funny thing about entering the thirties is that life suddenly feels different. You are more accepting of things around you, and you know that it is not the end of the world when things don't work out. You still feel young enough to pursue hobbies, and by the time you know it you are closing in on forty.


Floating neither up or down
I wonder when I’ll hit the ground
Will the earth beneath my body shake

And that is where it begins to change. The mind is engaged, but the body is slowly wearing away. And if you have not been careful enough (who cares about health in the 30s- the body is still young enough, or so we think!), the body begins to tell you in so many ways that it does not like what you are doing.

Aches and pains, coughs and colds, fevers and fatigue make their appearances once too often. Medical reports ring warning bells. And it appears that I do not have enough time to do so many things that I want to do.

The realisation about the final end seems to have gotten triggered when one of the pet dogs passed away. He was young, and an illness just ate him away. It was like a repetition of what happened to Timothy over a decade ago.


I know that death is inevitable, no matter how much I wish it away. And I get the feeling that I am slowly turning into that 10-year old again.

Yes, this fear's got a hold on me