Episode 361 : Looking, but not really

After yet another re-organization, my team moved to the other end of the building. When I walked past the door and walked towards my new location, I saw that she had seen me too.

We had taken a team-based training earlier, and she was in the team that I was leading in that exercise. We did not interact much in those two days, but it was enough for us to recognise each other. But I being the person that I am, pretended not to.

I do not know if she found it surprising that I walked past her without a smile. In my head, I did not know her. True, I knew her name but that was it. 'Well, you could say hi to her', a colleague told me when the topic came up. 'That's how you make new friends', he added.

I nodded. But I also knew that this behaviour was not new.

I knew that she glanced at me when she went past my desk. I knew that she looked out of the corner of her eye when we walked past each other. At one level, it made me uncomfortable. But it also served as an ego boost.

Days passed.

One afternoon, we were in an elevator that was climbing up to our floor. There were 3 people in the elevator- a colleague from a previous team, the girl and I. The girl was fiddling with her phone while the colleague and I were talking. The topic of conversation was about my last motorcycling trip when, suddenly, he asked,' You are married now, aren't you?'.

The girl reacted just as I had expected. Right after I said yes, she jerked upright and stared at me for a couple of moment before returning to her phone. I managed to keep a straight face and did not look at her. The elevator reached our floor, and we trooped out one by one.

Nowadays she doesn't look my way as much as she used to. In a way I am glad, but somehow it doesn't feel right when I still look away pretending not to notice her.

* * * * *
I first set my eyes on her when I started working at the current workplace almost 9 years ago. Her desk was at the other end of the building, and our paths would cross only when we used the elevator to go to the cafeteria, or found ourselves making tea at the same time in the pantry.

Though we never ever spoke to each other, I struck up a friendship with one of her friends. We looked ahead when we walked past each other, pretending that the other person did not exist. Even when our eyes briefly met, we pretended not to realise it.

Somehow it felt all wrong. Why should people go out of their way to avoid each other, and pretend the other person is invisible, when the two people had hardly said a word to each other till then?

I remember talking about this with Anna, how it was perplexing that more than one woman had done that to me.

'Women know when men are looking at them, and it is a form of self-preservation where they would rather avoid acknowledging attention even if it was friendly', she said.

What it did to me back then was strengthen the feeling that something was really wrong with me, and that I was not "good enough" for anyone.

I suppose that is what made me avoid giving second glances, remain in denial that someone could be interested in me, or be rude to people when they were just being friendly.

Sometimes all three.

* * * * *
I understand that there is a role-reversal of sorts today, and what would make things right is to acknowledge your fellow human being. Everyone deserves it.

But every day when I walk past her desk, there is tremendous resistance when I think I should stop and say hi.