Episode 45 : Hyde's wall

"Another thing…from this day on, I will only go 50%. But I WILL go that 50% the whole hog. Will do my bit. 50%--No more and no less. If the other person won’t come the other 50% and meet me mid-way, it’s goodbye. Regrettably…but still goodbye."

It took me on a trip. It brought out something that was deep beneath the surface. It brought out memories of my turbulent teens.

Those times when I was vulnerable and yet did not show it. Many years later, it became painfully obvious to me that I had sought validation back then. A form of acceptance and approval of my actions that would enhance my sagging self-esteem. I always went the whole hog, the entire distance and then some more.

Just for that gesture of approval. Those words of appreciation.

I did not get them all the time. It only made me try harder.

One day it came crashing down. Why, I asked myself, do I need to do it anymore? Why should I do it "just because he or she is a friend"?

That day onwards I did not go 100% all the time, for all and sundry. Only if I cared about them, only if I felt I could do it and they needed it. It freaked some people. 'Why would anybody want to be so nice?' they asked me. And my reply was always 'Because I am nice.'

Love taught me a lot of lessons. And I was determined to not to let it teach me anymore. I built a wall around me, shielding me from my own emotions. Not showing them like anybody in a relationship would. I feared that the day I start doing it, I would be vulnerable again.

Kitni baatein kehne ki hai
Honton par jo sehmi si hai
Ik roz inhein sunlo
Kyun aise gumsum ho?

It took me an entire year before I could dare to be vulnerable again. The deluge came a few months later and now I am left rebuilding the wall.

Today I am not sure if I should go even half the way. Why should I? When minimal expectations are not met, when one gives more than the other returns, when people are just happy doing their own thing, when I am the only one who looks out for me.

I only fear that this detachment may cost me some day. Because then I would have gone too far and not realise that it is time I stop being detached.

Kitni baatein yaad aati hai
Tasveerein si ban jaati hain
Main kaise inhein bhooloon?
Dil ko kya samjhaaun?